I got a text message from one of my favorite sales people today. He is one of my favorite for the simple reason that his wines are better than most, by far. He was just in the store tasting me on wine last week and they were the best wines I have seen in months. But today instead of just sending me a note telling me of exciting arrivals or better yet his personal favorites, wines he's know for years, estates he's visited again and again, he sent be a brief synopsis of The Wine Advocate's review for one of his Barolos.
Et Tu Michael? This was made all the more unpleasant by the fact that it was my day off and I was in a dark room meditating on the Buddha, as I do every Monday. My prompt reply was that perhaps he should fuck Robert Parker,"and I don't mean that gentle boy-love of two Cubscouts on their first camping trip, but the punishing sex of a prison shower."
He replied that perhaps I was bitter, and that may be, but I've never been called an asshole, not in New York. So I went about my day. When I got home I started to make a stir fry of broccolini, red pepper and shrimp with little thai peppers that I grow right here in the Brickhouse. I have a beautiful bottle of Breton Bourgeuil, but that's not quite right for this particular application. So I dug around in the 'fridge and pulled out a free sample that was given to me in the spirit of kindness and commerce. In that spirit I'm not going to reveal it's name because, Jesus what's the point, swing a dead cat, hit a bottle of shitty wine or some other glorified piece of mediocrity in this world. My point, hopefully is more profound.
That point is this, as I drink this wine I realize that I could write a perfectly relevant, seemingly critical review that nonetheless avoided the fact that the wine just tastes bad.
To Wit;
"This inexpensive little wine delivers Sauvignon Blanc character clearly rooted in the New Zealand style. Pronounced herbaceousnecss up front, rests on dramatic tropical fruit and vibrant acidity. Best with seafood, especially shellfish."-Jim Morrison
Here's another review I found on line of the same wine.
"A refreshing, crisp white that has very good Sauvignon Blanc character. Solid fruit flavours (green apple, citrus and a hint of tropical) with good acidity make it a versatile white for grilled fish and seafood. "
And Finally Parker's whore
"Its not often that we get so excited over a $10 white wine, but this stuff is so good for so little, we really love it. All the flavor and complexity that you would want (gooseberry, minerals, grapefruit, sour apple tang) in a $17+ Sauvignon Blanc for a lot less. A wonderful aperitif, or perfect seafood and salads.
Wine Advocate No notes. Score: 85. —Jay Miller, June 2007. "
Once more, this time with feeling,
This is definitely Sauvignon Blanc, or more accurately someone's idea of Sauvignon Blanc. It has all the elements of Sauvignon Blanc, but those elements are poorly integrated, they rattle around inside the wine like a bunch of doorknobs in a pillowcase. Reminds me of a dinner salad from the 1970's, big hunks of iceberg lettuce and tomatoes that seem to have nothing to do with each other, you technically have a salad, so there is no point arguing with the waiter.
This is a wine of plausible deniability, there is nothing you can point to and complain about, grapefruit, grass, a little tropical fruit, it must be Sauvignon Blanc, and only $10 what a deal. Except it vaguely reminds me of windshield wiper fluid, a combination of soap and a solvent that won't freeze. Has it come to this? Do we continue to embrace the poor shadow of greatness just so that everyone can buy it for $10 ?
Jay Miller are you really "excited"? Do you really "really love it"? Seriously? Just be honest with me. Presumably you've had Sancerre and Pouilly Fume, with that in mind, still excited? Or is it just really great to have another value oriented, volumetric brand, complete with adorable icon, in the portfolio of one of the biggest fine wine importers?
Fuck you for helping to ruin something I love, fuck you for diminishing the world by degrees, for lowering everyone's expectations, for turning the world of wine into a room full of slack-jawed fools blathering over the considered attributes of wines with Doggies, and Horses, and Birds and Bicycles on the labels, wines from fucking nowhere.
-Jim Morrison November 2008
Labels: Jay Miller, Robert Parker is a Fool, Wines You Can't Drink